The Gammon’s Inn – Travels in Remainia

A group of friends mull over plans to take a trip, but they become distressed when a vote on where to go doesn’t go quite how they had planned.

The first part of an ongoing humorous series set in the fictional land of Remainia.

Oliver, Elizabeth, Stephen, Paige, Ember, and Matilda, a group of Remainian friends visit The Gammon’s Inn, a local tavern opened just a few years ago by a man named Nigel, to discuss plans to meet up in a couple of months. The group decide to hold an indicative vote with all options, however, everyone voted for their own option leaving no clear winner. What follows is the discussion between the group.

Remainian tavern owner Nigel welcomes all

Oliver
Well, the indicative votes went well. So between us, we all owe each other £39 billion.

Elizabeth
52% for Windsor, 48% for Heathrow.

Stephen
Did we decide on a date?

Oliver
It’s 2 months away anyway, there’s plenty of time to sort it out.

Paige
So, Heathrow?

Oliver
Typical Londoner with your 48%!

Ember laughs

Paige
It’s close so we have to compromise, on Heathrow!

Oliver
To be fair, that is in three of the options.

Stephen
I never had you down as a plane spotter Paige.

Ember
The fare to Heathrow is £39bn.

Paige
Or is it £39 billion to discuss how to get there?

Oliver
We should set up a team to negotiate between us. It should take around three years or more to complete.

Ember
Then we carry on paying to go nowhere.

Paige
Can we just have people from Heathrow negotiating please?

Oliver
Pilots and ground crew only, of course!

Stephen
We must take Thorpe Park off the table though. There is no mandate for Thorpe Park.

Paige
No one voted for Thorpe Park.

Elizabeth
True. So we’ll go to Thorpe Park and pretend it’s Windsor.

Oliver
Sounds good.

Paige
Just tell me it’s Windsor and I won’t notice.

Oliver
Pack all your meds though because you won’t be leaving the park.

Ember
That’s the spirit! And we’ll say we’re going on a particular day and then not go.

Oliver
Actually, I propose we go in June. We’ll get there around Christmas 2035.

Elizabeth
We have to pick three dates not to go on before we finally go or remain at home.

Oliver
I suggest we remain and home and just tell everyone we went.

Elizabeth
I’ll vote for that. We didn’t know what we were going for anyway.

Oliver
Clearly not. We must’ve read something about a free deal on a bus. Might’ve been Russians promoting the new rides too on Facebook. Besides, only racists don’t want to go.

Paige
This is so disorganised I’m now regretting choosing to go.

Oliver
You should’ve remained at home. All the problems you’ve all caused wanting to leave home!

Elizabeth
You can’t leave until you know where you are going.

Matilda
You can’t take Thorpe Park off the table. Thorpe Park IS the table!
I vote for the Windsor Thorpe Park Option (WTO).

Paige
No one voted for WTO!

Elizabeth
Whatever you decide – I shall demand a confirmatory vote.

Matilda
We can have side trips to Eton. With separate deals on a stroll to Runnymede.

Oliver
It will lead to disaster. No one voted for it, and there will be serious consequences. People will get on the rides and die!

Ember
Are we voting to make ourselves poorer though?

Paige
The rollercoaster rides are off a cliff edge.

Elizabeth
My uncle fought Jerry so we could go to Thorpe Park, and you guys won’t get your medication.

Paige
Maybe we will die of super gonorrhoea at Thorpe Park.

Oliver
That seems likely.

Matilda
We’ll never have any babies, either. Pregnancies will stop!

Elizabeth
There will be civil war and a shortage of Marmite, and anyway it’s only advisory. I was swayed by the No. 52 bus.

Oliver
It was the ads on Facebook too.

Elizabeth
Should have taken the No. 52. The No. 48 is slower.

Ember
The Russians spiked my vodka before I voted.

Matilda Henry
It woz the West Staines Massive. The Ali G.

The group continued arguing between themselves, leaving everything and nothing open, with no decision made, and the bickering continuing well into the night.

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